A Crypto Investor’s Heartfelt Letter to Santa

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Christmas is just around the corner, and most crypto investors’ wishlists are much longer this year than the year before. On Christmas Day 2017, the price of bitcoin was trading at $14,000 because bitcoin had finally gone mainstream and “everyone” was a buyer.

This year, the picture looks very different. Bitcoin is trading around the $4,000 mark, the ICO market is dying, exchanges all want to KYC everyone now, and the altcoin market is down by over 90 percent.

Clearly, there is only one person who can help us now. No, it is not John McAfee, Vitalik Buterin, or even Satoshi Nakamoto himself. The only person who can possibly help us now is none other than Santa Claus with his all-mighty powers of gift giving. So, it’s time to write him a crypto wishlist for 2019 and hope for the best.  

Dear Santa,

It has been a tough year for cryptocurrency investors. I am sure many have heard that bitcoin was a bubble and has now popped. A Bloomberg columnist said so, so it must be true.

And look at Ethereum, the number of active wallets has increased substantially, the amount of ETH sent per transaction has doubled, and the number of smart contracts deployed hit 1.5 million but its price is down 85 percent, and it now ranks below than the “banking cartel coin” XRP in terms of market cap.

And ICOs? Well, observers all knew that most of them were never going to turn into anything but 95+ percent price drops. Plus, the community is still waiting on Elon Musk to send them their ETH.

So Santa, crypto investors have a short list of wishes they would like you to fulfill. They don’t feel they are asking for too much here, but they do hope you make these happen in the new year.

Santa, Please Explain Which Bitcoin Is “the Real Bitcoin”

In 2016 there was only bitcoin. In 2017, it suddenly said bitcoin and bitcoin cash on Coinbase accounts. Everyone was very confused. To make matters worse, there is now bitcoin, bitcoin cash, and bitcoin SV.

Roger Ver says bitcoin cash is the real bitcoin. The one bitcoin SV investor, Calvin Ayre, says BSV is the real bitcoin, and the market says bitcoin is the real bitcoin. I know the market is always right, but it’s all so confusing.

So, please show the community which bitcoin is the real “real bitcoin” so that everyone knows which coin to buy with their Christmas money.

Santa, Please Approve a Bitcoin ETF

A Bitcoin ETF approval would be nice. I know that there are already a bunch of them in Europe, but it would be really nice to have one in the U.S. too.

That would definitely push up the price of bitcoin, and then even the boomer generation could invest in bitcoin, you know, without actually holding bitcoin but, instead, paying a financial institution to do that, just the way Wall Street likes it.

Santa, Please Let Bitcoin Rally above its All-Time High

When friends and family members asked whether they should buy bitcoin, people told them “yes” and that its price will hit $1,000,000 because John McAfee said so. Or else

Now many of them won’t speak to these same people anymore. Who blames them? Too many bought more bitcoin last December than they could lose and some even used their credit cards.

But life is sad without friends, so please give bitcoin a boost.

A little boost will suffice, actually, because institutional investors will take bitcoin to new highs. Crypto journalists have been predicting that for two years now, so it is definitely going to happen any moment now.

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Santa, Please Let Tether Be Real

Maybe USDT was used to pump up the price of bitcoin, maybe it wasn’t. No one really knows. But what people do know is that if it turns out that Tether doesn’t have dollars backing up its value, then this would severely crash crypto prices and destroy so much of the trust that the ecosystem has built over the years.

So, please make sure Tether is real. Bloomberg actually reported that it is, so some are sleeping easier now, but it would be really good if you could get Tether to conduct an audit so that we know for sure.

Santa, Please Don’t let the “Globalist Elites” Overregulate Crypto.

Yes, the big VC-funded bitcoin companies want regulation so that they can go about their business of becoming de facto banks but what about the cypherpunks that started this all?

They don’t want to fill out a KYC form just to trade Zcash nor are they keen on having to declare their crypto holdings. After all, financial sovereignty should be a thing. Shouldn’t it?

Alex Jones always says that the “globalist elites” are out to get us and he sounds like a trustworthy guy. So, please don’t let the G20 regulate the crypto ecosystem into the ground.

It would be nice to be able to continue to buy bitcoin without having to go through annoying KYC processes that take forever.

And it’s not like crypto is actually being used for money laundering. That market has already been cornered by HSBC, Deutsche Bank, and Danske Bank. Crypto doesn’t even stand a chance!

Many are sure you will be able to deliver on their wishes because you know that a small handful have been good crypto traders this year.

They HODLed like Crypto Twitter told them to even when the market tanked, they didn’t invest in Ripple because that’s the banking cartel’s coin (and they would never betray Satoshi like that), they didn’t put funds into BitConnect even though Trevor James marketed it so well on YouTube, and they even used Verge to pay for their premium PornHub subscription.

Above all, they even paid taxes on my crypto earnings like a good statist. Even for monero, despite the fact that taxman can’t really check those transactions.

So, all-powerful, all-knowing, benevolent ruler of the North Pole, please make crypto great again in 2019 and make the community’s wishes come true. The bitcoin community will thank you for it.

Hugs & Kisses,

A Crypto Investor

PS: Also, please put some Initiative Q into Christmas stockings this year, they say it will be the next bitcoin.

Disclaimer: This article is satire. Nothing in this article should be taken as investment advice, nor serious.